Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Ash's LiveJournal:

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Thursday, December 11th, 2008
6:23 pm	This year has been non-stop from the word go. Since Dec. 3rd of last year, it's just been bam bam bam bam non-stop shit one after another. It's not that it's been shit all the time, but it hasn't been particularly pleasant either. I'd say it's just been hard. Like trying to run through a swamp. But I am glad for it - I feel confident that I've come out the other end a better person. Or at least as a person with alot more smarts and...self-awareness than who I was a year ago. I hope so anyway. So instead of relaxing on my 2 weeks off from work over xmas/nye, which I really should be doing as I haven't had a holiday in 2 years, I decided to blow all my money...literally every cent...and bought a ticket to London. I leave next friday, which is the last day of work and coincidently my birthday. Get to London on the morning of the 20th, Emily will pick me up and I just can't believe I'll be able to touch her in 9 days. Leo gets to London the eact same day which is just beyond amazing. Hang about in London for a week, we have lots planned (including outdoor ice-skating on xmas eve...oh my god). Xmas day will be spent at the pub Em works in, all I know is there will be awesome food, lots of booze, and 10 grams of coke. On the morning of the 29th we get the train to Paris...PAREEEE!!!! 2 days there, hanging about eating as much carbs as I can get my hands on. Then on the morning of the 31st we get the train to Amsterdam!!! Who knows what will happen. I just hope w eget back alive. Fly back to London on the 1st, then I fly home on the 3rd. I can feel the post holiday blues coming on already. I need to sleep for a month or so. Current Mood: exhausted (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, May 2nd, 2008
4:22 pm	yawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwn I am so so sleepy, probably mostly just laziness though. I woke up this morning at around 6:30am needing to pee which seems to happen everyday. And I can't for the life of me get back to sleep afterwards. Waking up at 6:30am would've been ok if last night had've gone to plan. I was calmly watching the Biggest Loser finale and decided to take out the recycling during the ads. And fucking pulled the door closed behind me! So instead of going to bed at 9:30pm or whenever that show finished, I had to sit on the fucking doorstoop until after midnight when Tan got home!!! It was so so so cold, lucky I had the crate that recycling goes in out there with me so I had something to sit on but fuck was it freezing. I was using newspaper as blankets and layered it in my socks. What a fucking dork!! I would've walked and reverse charge called someone, but I was so scared that it would start raining or that Tan would come home while I was gone etc.  Anyway I'm feeling pretty good post-surgery wise, still have stitches which are annoying and my belly button is a little sore (just feels bruised) but other than that I'm a-ok. Moved to Newtown on Monday which is FAB. Tan is GREAT to live with - she's neither a dickhead or a cunt, which is my idea of a perfect housemate. And she's clean! Now if only my cat would stop being such a sook and not cry everytime her cat comes near him. I'm sure he'll man up soon enough.  Anyway speaking of clean housemates I better head home and sort out my pile of shit downstairs and do some washing. And think of something MAD to have for dinner. Vegie-o-rama sounds about right Current Mood: sleepy (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, April 20th, 2008
8:45 pm	Tonight I get to sleep in a bed that's NOT covered in plastic! So I had my gyno appointment and ultrasound on Thursday. It was good, I felt everything was explained really well and I felt ok when he confirmed that it was ectopic and I'd have to have my left tube removed as it was already bleeding and a bit messy. So he told me to go straight home, have some dinner, then get to hospital so he could do the surgery on Friday morning. Hospital sux!!! But everything went well. I got out this afternoon so I was there for 3 nights. I'm too zonked out to go into much detail at the moment but I'm healing well and the pain is decreasing slowly. Current Mood: ouch (Comment on this)
Wednesday, April 16th, 2008
3:01 pm	Boo it's ectopic. So now we have to fork out $425 for a pelvic ultrasound and gyno consultation. I'll get some back from Medicare but wahhh I just want it to be over. We so so so can't afford it right now. I'm scared now, super scared that there is something wrong with my tubes and I'm not gunna be able to have kids. Massively my worst dream come true happening. Current Mood: crushed (4 Comments |Comment on this)
9:25 am	Thanks guys for all your lovely messages :) I had it done yesterday morning and it actually wasn't too bad. I spose the few days beforehand I'd felt so all over the place and I think the fact that my hormones were raging probably greatly attributed to that. Anyway I started feeling really myself and comfortable with what was happening. And the procedure was yesterday morning, Mum and Sheldon both came with me and it was a breeze, I felt in the right frame of mind for the first time in a week and it was really easy and I don't remember a thing. Getting put to sleep was pretty fun and I would reccommend it. I was crying a little when I woke up and felt pretting disorientated but that went away after afew minutes and I had something to eat and drink. Then this poor poor girl was brought in to sit next to me a few minutes later. She was very young, no older than 18, and she was crying really hard. My heart was breaking for her, she was so distressed and I have this bad feeling she was there alone. I said to her "The weird feeling will go away soon, it's just the drugs, try and sleep a little" and she just looked like the fact that someone cared meant so much. I reached my hand over and she grabbed onto it and held on so tight. We sat like that for about 10 minutes until it was time for me to leave. I'm still kicking myself for not asking if she had anyone with her. Her sad face just keeps playing through my mind. Anyway, cause I suck of course there's complications. They couldn't find the pregnancy sac so there are a few options, either the sac was too small, but the doctor just called and said he doesn't think that's it because my hormone count was too high. Or I've already miscarried, but also unlikely because my hormone level has gone up about 1000 since my last blood test. Or the pregnancy in ectopic, and it's in my tube, which will mean another procedure to get that out. OR, I'm just still pregnant. Off for another blood test now to see if my levels have gone down at all. xoxo Current Mood: curious (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, April 14th, 2008
5:34 pm	I haven't done one of these in a thousand years, but I'm going loopy and need to distract myself ( Heaps o' questions ) Current Mood: complacent (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, April 11th, 2008
3:06 pm	abort mission So even though I had my last period 2 weeks ago and have been nothing but safe, I took a pregnancy test last night because I have been feeling queasy in the mornings and had a couple of vomits. Also have had this weird bloated feeling for like 4 days. I am fo shiz up the duff. Had my first ever blood test today and find out tomorrow how far along I am. Sheldon's paying for the abortion and I'm just hoping that I'm already at 6 weeks so I can get it done straight away.  This could not be happening at a worse time. But Sheldon is amazing. Really don't know how I'm feeling about anything. Current Mood: blank (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, April 5th, 2008
1:09 pm	beautiful Breaking up is confusing, hard, confusing and shit. I think it would be easier if we had broken up because we had grown apart, or someone hard done something shit, or we were driving each other crazy. But how is it supposed to work when the reason we broke up is because we are so completely in love and it is so perfect and easy? That may sound ridiculous but it's true...I guess neither of us wanted to be in this long-term, married-esque relationship despite how good a time we have together. It's shit being in love with your best friend. I guess when most people break up they stop seeing each other, for a while anyway. We broke up 13 days ago and have spent 6 of those nights together.  The way we feel about each other hasn't changed, we don't want our relationship to change, but we just don't want to be married. I want to flirt and be a whore and have some fun. But I can't imagine loving anyone else. I couldn't imagine being in a relationship at the moment, I don't want to be.  We stayed up until 6:30 this morning talking it out. I've been seeing this guy, only for sexual related things absolutely nothing else. Sheldon knows all about it, we're best friends we tell each other everything and are always happy for each other. He hooked up with some chick while we were at V fest last week and I thought that was great. I've made out with 2 guys and he thought that was great for me too. But last night when I told him I'd seen one of the boys the night before and it'd been more than a kiss he actually got pretty upset. Not upset like "I can't believe you did that" or anything like that, he's happy for me but I guess it's just sad that things are changing. He said it gave him a funny tummy feeling thinking about me doing it. I know I'll feel the same once he's with another girl. He got a bit irrational and started asking stupid questions and I got defensive blah blah blah. It is so easy to be with him. We don't fight, we just argue things out honestly and realistically and it's just such a healthy, loving relationship. I don't want to be with anyone else but at the same time I don't want to be committed to one person.  It's like we yoyo with who's coping on that day. For the most part it's me getting emo, mostly because I'm out in sticksville all alone and have nothing to distract me from the fact that he's not here. He's living in the city, and has things going on etc. But yesterday was his turn and was doing his whole "I don't know if this is what I want, am I throwing away the best thing thats ever happened to me, it'll never be this good with anyone else" and so on.  We fell in love 7 years ago and it was beautiful then and it's beautiful now. I, like everyone else, thought it was silly teenage stuff when we declared our undying love and all that but I know now that it wasn't. I met the man of my dreams even though at the time he was skinny, pimply, dorky and slightly pathetic. Now he's this big hot man (in my eyes anyway) with beautiful skin and a beautiful soul and there is no-one I would rather hold my hand through life. But I guess I just need to hold my own hand for a while. I hope things go well for us, but I just have a sickly feeling that they won't. Current Mood: reflective (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, March 31st, 2008
9:12 pm	Campbelltown is a fuckin shit place to live, especially alone. The reason I'm living here is because I have an opportunity to live alone rent free for the time being. It was a sweet deal when Sheldon was still here, but now that he is gone it is really really depressing. A three bedroom house is a massive amount of space for one person. The South Western suburbs has a massive amount of people but none of them are my friends. They're all in the city, and I guess when Sheldon was here I was able to ignore the fact that I never saw my friends but now it is painfully obvious.  I want to go to India in August. I would LOVE to go to India in August. But I just don't know if I can live out here alone.  Here are the options: - Stay living in Cambo. I got work to take me off the books so I can get the dole (really having trouble getting myself to do it as I feel like a major cunt but everyone says I should just do it). This way I'll be earning heaps per week plus not having to pay rent and never being able to go out so therefore will be able to save hecticly quickly.  - Move, get a new job, be able to save really really slowly. Pros to this option: be able to see friends all the fucking time, be able to surround myself with like-minded humans, be able to sell my car which will make up a massive portion of what I need to go away (though it looks like I'll be doing this anyway as I'm going to lose my licence again - which is another good reason for me to move as I won't be able to get around out here and won't be able to get home from work at night via public transport and will NEVER be able to see my friends). Another thing to acknowledge is that when my Nana's house sells I will getting some inheritence. I don't know how much but have decided that whatever the amount it will be spent on travel. So basically I can stay in Cambo and have a really shit next 4 months but be able to go to India really soon, get my yoga course done, and have a short holiday. OR. I can move out now (once I've saved up a bit of course) and save slowly while actually enjoying my life, wait for my money to come through and go on a massive trip to lots of places and stay away for a long time.  Both options have their pros and cons but I have to say the moving is sounding like what's right for me at the moment. It is really tough being afflicted with such indecision and flightiness. Current Mood: blank (9 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, March 24th, 2008
10:26 am	Breaking up is hard to do (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, February 27th, 2008
1:50 pm	Massive Dream Had the most hectic dream this morning. I hardly ever have dreams cause of all the smokey smokey, but lately since I hardly do I've been having them. I find I always have hectic ones if I sleep when I'm not really tired. This morning after I got back from dropping Sheldon at the station I was fully awake...even though he slept longer than he should've and didn't make me tea! Our deal is I'll drop him at the station if he makes me tea before we leave and brings me home a flower...the flowers haven't been consistant but last night be brought me a whole bunch of the most pretty orangey tulips!! Anyway I got back and should've stayed up...but the sky was all overcast and emo...and bed just looked so cosy and nice!!! Anyway my dream: I was in a car with my Nana (who passed away last May) and she was driving. After a while, I noticed that there were some hecticly rapacious looking wolves running around. They headed for our car and started climbing on it and trying to get in!! I did up all the windows and then realised that of course they could just get in through the boot! (?) So I climbed into the back and tried to keep it closed but they were hecticly trying to get in and eventually made it. I managed to keep them IN the boot by way of holding that flappy thing up against them. Eventually they calmed down and I was patting their faces, but I knew that once we tried to make a break for it, they'd try to get us. So I told my Nan to pull over and I'd keep them distracted while she made her way into a jewellery shop, then I'd make a run for it. We did this and as I was running I alerted some cops about the wolves. We got into the shop and my Mum and Aunty came to help us. I was walking down a street with my Mum when she told me that my Aunty was moving out of her apartment and would I like to live there? I said fo sho. So then I was moving into the place and Em, Priya, this girl Tina from work, and a young African boy (??) were helping me. We're in my room, it's dingy and my stuff is EVERYWHERE. I'm trying to sort my shit out and put it away, but everyone else has stuff with them too. I notice that a panel in the wall actually looks like a door, and I open it, and it looks out into this dark corridor. I can see through a crack that there's more next to the corridor, so I try to open the next panel in the wall. It falls to pieces when I try, and through I see hectic rooms and corridors. I'm totally confused, then I see this gross woman looking at me through the hole. It's the landlady, and I start apologising for demolishing her wall. She says it's cool and that it was falling apart anyway. I start thinking about how I'm possibly going to live somewhere that has holes and can I just put a curtain up? Isn't that a bit invasive? She puts in a replacement panel.  Then I hear something smash in the kitchen. The top plate on a pile of plates has smashed but how on earth did it fall off, I ask? The woman tells me that there's ghosts in the house, and that they're a bit naughty. This doesn't sit at all well with me and I'm really starting to regret coming to this place. The woman leave us alone and I tell my friends that we have to pack up and leave, there's no way I can stay here with ghosts, missing panels, and a landlady in bad power suits. They're taking ages to get their shit together, so I start frantically shoving shit in bags and going hectic until everythings almost together. The woman comes in and I stammer out that I've decided not to take the room as I want to live in Newtown near my friends. She tries to convince me to stay, telling me she thinks I'll really like it and that Newtown is only 5 mins away. I say no, it doesn't feel right, I have to go. She leaves and my friends make their way to the lift with all the stuff. I tell them I'll meet them in the lift in a sec, I just want to have a final look around. I make my way to the lift and press the button. The door opens but instead of my friends I see 2 people having sex. They look at me and smile invitingly. I turn around completly freaked and take the stairs. I notice that the place isn't just an apartment block, it's actually this hectic mansion with rooms and stairs and shit everywhere! I'm running down all these flights of stairs and there's people having sex EVERYWHERE. I start freaking out that I'm never getting out of here alive or with my vagina in tact. I get to the bottom level and see the landlady on a couch with some people. I try to slip past but she notices me and starts slowing advancing on me. Luckily I have mad skills, and make it to the door just in time. The second I stepped outside I woke up. Current Mood: Here and there (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, February 22nd, 2008
2:18 pm	fuckin Why ring only my second referee then not hire me? wtf? Current Mood: confused Current Music: sookiness (7 Comments |Comment on this)
7:50 am	If... I get this job, which is looking pretty likely as they rang my referees, it will mean a pay increase of about 15 thou a year. Fo SHIZ. I hope they call me early and put me out of my misery.  Current Mood: hopeful Current Music: lawn mower (Comment on this)
Thursday, February 21st, 2008
10:00 am	Are second interviews usually scarier than the first? Current Mood: nervous Current Music: biting fingernails (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, February 19th, 2008
9:59 pm	Grown ups Well I"m going through the standard "I've quit smoking pot and realised my life is complete shit' phase so I'm looking for a new job. Meaning I applied for one because it actually sounded decent. Went for an interview on Monday which went well and I got called back today for a second interview on Thursday. I'm really most stressed about what I should wear. Need to find out if the HR manager is a male or female so I know whether or not to get my tits out...when of course the truth is I'll be getting them out anyway. Wish me luck. Current Mood: drunk Current Music: Sex and the city (Comment on this)
Tuesday, February 12th, 2008
10:47 pm	Dreams I would really love to get into dream interpretations. I mean I wish some hippy chick would wake me every morning and tell me what my dream meant. It has to be immediate because I forget them straight away...I'm hoping this will change the longer I go without smoking. But anyway, I had a hectic dream last night where I was carting around my best friends dead body in my car for ages. It was really...real. Woke up feeling a bit confused. Current Mood: exhausted Current Music: headache (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, February 6th, 2008
12:23 am	Awww fuggen me dad's a cunt I got that last email from him last Wednesday, in which he said he would reply in a few days. It's Tuesday and still nothing. I sent him a text message tonight saying "Do you think you'll be writing back soon? I don't mean to be pushy, I'm just curious". And the motherfucker won't even reply to that. I feel like I am dealing with a fucking child. It's so fuckin draining...I just want to fucking give up. I feel like emailing him and saying "I've done enough, I'm sick of trying so hard and getting nothing in return, so if you ever get to a point where you feel like you're actually going to put some effort into this then get back in touch with me, but for now you can fuck off cause I'm not your fucking Mum". But I guess I'm scared that if I do that I'll just never hear from him again. And I guess I do care...so for now I'll keep on pushing. But if I don't hear back for another couple of days I don't think I'll be able to contain the frustration. I'm just in disbelief. Current Mood: aggravated Current Music: We sure are cute for two ugly people (Comment on this)
Thursday, January 31st, 2008
11:57 pm	Dad update This is the email I received from my Dad today. It's the reply to a string of very emotional and demanding emails from me. Sometimes I just don't know if I even care. I never dreamed that when I finally found my father it would be this amazing reunion but I guess I just never expected it to be like this either. Hopefully it will get easier soon. I just find it so frustrating..I am able to be very frank and candid about my feelings and my history. But it seems to be such a struggle for him and it's getting really trying having to constantly urge him on. I'm scared that I'll frighten him away with my upfrontness but I haven't waited 12 years for nothing. I have alot of things to say and intend on him hearing all of them. Ash,   Just letting you know it will take a few days before I am able to respond to your latest email. You have given me a lot to think about. I need to work out, if I can, what has led me to act in the way I have in the past. I have been through many of my behaviours with psychiatrists over the last 20 years or so and on reflection I do not know if I understand it all better now or not. Perhaps what I should have done is speak to myself, if that makes any sense.   I won’t be trying to make excuses for not being in your life, I should have acted to make sure I was involved and I did not. I will be trying to tell you a bit more of my history and my involvement with your mum, and what I can make of my failings along the way. This may take a few emails, I have not really put this together before even in my own mind.   I hope this will be of some benefit to you and that in time we can mean more to each other.  I appreciate the time you are putting in to try and make it work. Current Mood: determined Current Music: Bad Australian 90s film (1 Comment |Comment on this)
8:42 am	Baby love Sometimes I just have no idea how I'm going to wait so long before I have babies. I am definately far from ready...I am a complete loser and can barely take care of myself let alone a wee, helpless thing. But I want one (or 6) so bad!!! There's a gazillion things I want to do before I'm a Mum, but the yearning for children just gets stronger and stronger by the day. I never thought that having children would be so important to me. When I was younger I had absolutely no interest in them, but now it is just the number one priority in my life. The thought of having one right now disgusts me...when I think logically about it. But sometimes I think I would happily skip the next 6 or 7 years just so I can get to the baby making already! Am I a tragic bitch? I don't care. I want babies. Current Mood: Baby hungry Current Music: Kimya Dawson (11 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, January 30th, 2008
2:14 pm	Give birth in a treehouse somewhere Not smoking weed is fucking great. The world is like a whole new place!!! I see people I know and instead of running away and avoiding them, I actually speak to them. I can interact with other humans!!!! It's pretty nice. Current Mood: rejuvenated Current Music: Dan Kelly - Pregnant conversation (Comment on this)